Trust; Betrayal

I’ve learned several valuable lessons recently. Super quick backstory:

I was/am friends a girl who trusted me a lot. More than I knew. She would pour her feelings and thoughts out onto me because of that trust. We’ll call her Friend A. About half a year after I met her, I met a friend of that girl (Friend B). She was kind of cute, so I had begun unconsciously pursuing her- which ended up with me telling her of those secrets and thoughts that Friend A entrusted me with. Friend B ended up telling Friend A, I hurt her so badly and I lost her trust. I don’t think I can face her for a while because of how ashamed I am.

A different time and different people:

Before that, I had a crush on a different girl (Friend C), and I “cozied” up to HER friend (Friend D). Friend C had apparently liked me (not that I knew) and she cut off pursuing me.

In conclusion, the valuable lessons I came to realize is as follows:
One! I need to ALWAYS keep conscious thought on never telling peoples’ thoughts and feelings. Sometimes I’ll get comfortable and blurt it out without thinking. Terrible mistake.
Two! I need to NEVER become friends with the friend of a friend. If you’re friends with two people who each know one another, then helping one will inevitably have you spill beans on the other. Terrible mistake.
Which leads onto number three. If you DO end up with the friend of a friend, keep them at arm’s length. Don’t trust them as much as the original friend. Because that second friend will never be as close to you as the first one.

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Repentance; Optimism

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Life goes on. Life may hurt and it may torment you, but it’s always there. Following you close behind until that fated day. You can’t willingly die prematurely. Because despite what you may be thinking, you have a lot of people who will be upset at your death. So you live. And you live. And you encounter more sadness and wonder if it’s worth it. But life goes on. And when you do continue, you’ll find that it gets better. You’ll look in the mirror one day and see yourself smiling. You’ll ask yourself, “what do you think is so funny, bastard?” You’ll catch yourself laughing and wondering that laugh really belonged to you. And you’ll look at your present and compare it to you past, look at the friends and connections you’ve made and the precious times you’ve had. And you’ll find that life has indeed gotten better. You wouldn’t replace it for anything. And it’s in that moment that you’ll be glad. Glad that life does go on.


Loss; Sorrow

I don’t have anyone especially close to me that I can tell my feelings to. And I know nobody reads this blog– at least, nobody I know reads this blog. Maybe one day, if I find someone I trust and love, I can tell them of this blog so they know what I was / am feeling.

Ever since the loss of my best friend, I’ve had this deep-seated sorrow in my heart. It’s strong enough to sometimes wish that I could follow her out of this cruel and twisted world, but not strong enough to make me cry or even hate the man who murdered her. Almost everything I hear or see reminds me of her and causes a brief pain inside my chest before I quickly and unconsciously push it out. Like a mix of grief, anger, sorrow. And then I feel like I really want someone to hold me. Or for me to hold them. Maybe it’ll help get rid of this pain. But then I realize I have nobody I can tell my pains to, much less to hold. The pain gets deeper and deeper until I have to make myself let it out in the form of weeping at night. Then the loop repeats.

As you might guess, as a guy, I’ve never been a fan or wanted to watch Twilight. But this girl really liked Twilight and made me sit down and watch the whole first movie with her. So this morning, I was listening to some old songs on my mp3 player and heard Decode by Paramore. I had to quickly change songs because it made me think of how she’s gone. It’s always things like that that remind me of her. Or just a song that mentions death reminds me of her.

She and I had met on Myspace (back in the good ol’ days) in a high school forum. She lived in Arkansas and was planning to move over here and attend my school, so she went to the forum to make some friends in advance. I messaged her and we became very close. She didn’t end up coming over here, but we stayed close for a year or two and then we developed a long-distance relationship. We would both casually talk about what we’d be doing while we’re married. It was understood, I guess. She was my fiancee, if you want to look at it that way. I loved her so much, as both a romantic partner and a best friend.

She had issues. Parent issues. She would go from guy to guy, satisfying her instinctual desires with them and then move on after they would do something horrible to her. She was a lost sheep looking for someone to love her. She ended up finding me, someone who– if I can say this without sounding like I’m bragging– was not like any other guy. I was positive. I didn’t want her for anything sexual. I wanted her for herself. So we dated for a while, before she broke it off because she still had sexual desires, and I couldn’t (and wouldn’t) give that to her. So being with several guys after that who ended up doing drugs or cheating on her, she moved to where I was. We hung out and ended up making out and falling in love again. But I was immature, or maybe I was just not ready for a full-blown relationship while I was still in college. I pushed her away (figuratively), and in retrospect, I wish I hadn’t. I wish she had stayed in here after that and done something with her life, gone to college or gotten a good job. And after we were both mature enough, I would have gotten back together with her. Because I loved her. But she didn’t do that. She moved back to Arkansas when she found that trying to be with me was futile. She messaged me, essentially saying goodbye, that the four years we’d known each other helped her through terrible times in her life. That she was able to live because she had me. Then we stopped talking as much.

She got pregnant, got married to the father (who physically abused her if I’m not mistaken), and gave birth. Then she divorced him. While taking care of her child, she went around and met stupid guys. She got pregnant with one of them. She became engaged to another one. That last one she became engaged to was the one who ended up murdering her and her unborn child in a drunken rage. Police found bruises all over her and multiple stab wounds. Her throat was so cut open that they could see inside. Her toddler was found with wounds that looked like attempted strangulation.

I didn’t have any recent texts from her. I don’t have her voice saved anywhere. I don’t have anything of her. Her toddler went back to the blood father (the bad one) and the murderer went to prison. Nothing left of the story except the pain and sorrow. The grief and the tears. The desire that I had talked with her more. The desire that I had stayed with her. If I had stayed with her, she would not have died. It’s the truth. I would have protected her and taken care of her to the best of my ability. A lot of people talk about how they regret doing something in their lives more than not doing something. I’m the opposite. I wish I had done a lot of things.

And this story of her loss isn’t the only thing hurting me. It’s the realization that I have nobody else. I don’t have anyone else I want to be with. After her loss, what’s the point of staying on this earth? This earth that contains so much evil, so much twisted darkness? I find myself thinking that a lot. That it’d be so much less painful if I wasn’t alive. I could see her again if I did. I asked a friend who has felt these same feelings of loss before. The pain doesn’t go away, she says. If I’m going to allegedly live for 60 more years with this pain, that seems way too unbearable.

Anyway, I’m not suicidal. I’m just sad. And I’m supposed to be in one of my classes right now. Just living out my life as if nothing tragic had ever happened. So that’s the end of this.


Manipulation; Emotions

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I would say that I excel at interpreting the feelings of another person. A lot of people do, right?

Manipulating those feelings, however, is a completely different story. I have found that attempting to change what an individual feels will end up making me feel that way as well.

Namely, endeavoring to make a person like me will tend to build up how much I like that person. I try to manipulate– and essentially do anything in my life– without involving my own emotions, yet those emotions always come back to betray me. Trying to get a girl to fall in love with me has the drastic side-effect of making me fall in love with her even harder.

This is especially dangerous if I like that girl already, and she does not like me back; I end up digging myself deeper and deeper into desperation. It is also dangerous when I can’t detect her feelings either.

“Does she like me or not? It looks suspiciously as if she flirts with me, but upon inspection, she treats everyone like that as well. Maybe it’s her way of being nice. But is there a special meaning in the way she treats me over the way she treats others? I’ve actually observed that she seems to ‘flirt’ with me less than she does with everyone else. Is it because she likes me less that she ‘flirts’ with me less? Or is it because she’s more conscious of me and sees how that “flirting” can be taken at face value by me?”

I’m starting to think I’m not as good at reading emotions as I thought I was.

My overthinking is going to get me one of these days.


Endurance; Resistance

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There is a certain point in your life when you need to begin to stand up for yourself. That point when you cannot tolerate the unfair decisions of other people. Even if they are in a position of power, stand up for yourself.

Lose your job? Fine. Lose a friend? Even better.

No, I’m not saying to challenge everything that comes at you, as I know several people who do that. People who directly challenge authority, not because it contradicts a certain moral standard they have, but because they are just upset or just because they can– those people usually have a more difficult time navigating through life. Those people lose their jobs– and it is their fault. They push away friends– and it is their fault.

Honestly, I don’t stand up for myself all the time. The first time, they can take advantage of me because it’s not worth losing something important to me to fight against them. The second time is the same thing. After that, I start to ponder the consequences of not being taken advantage of, and when it gets to the point when I have more to gain than I do to lose, then I’ll resist.

This world is a cruel, self-satisfying one, so ensure that you are not THAT person that people take advantage of.